Questioning My Heart

As a single mom, every decision I make must have my children's best interests at heart. I don't really date because I am so careful about who I bring around my children. And now that my children are 16 and 14, I wonder if I'm being selfish thinking that maybe it's time to start thinking about myself for a change. 

My son has already told me that he's  NEVER moving out. And I'm sure my daughter can't wait to be out of the house. And like any mother, I worry about if my children will be okay on their own out in the world. I wonder if I am doing enough to prepare them for when they venture out into the world on their own. And then I wonder if I've failed them in some way that will leave them unable to cope out in the world. 

I have been divorced since 2007. I haven't really had a long term serious relationship since my divorce. I've tried several times with my daughter's father, and yet something always goes wrong. The most recent attempt was last March. Yes, he left yet again. And while I'm hurt that he left; I'm not really angry at him for his decision. "Why not" you ask. Well because I can understand his reason behind the decision. His wife had told him that their marriage was over when he came up here. Then once she found out that he was with our daughter and I, she assured him they could fix their marriage if he went back home. He agreed because he was trying to save his marriage. And that is a decision that I can both understand and relate to. And while i knew that it wasn't going to work out for him; it wasn't my place to say anything. This was something that he would have to learn for himself. It took me 18 months to learn that you can't save a marriage when you're the only one fighting to save it. 

And now here we are almost a year later. His divorce will be final this month. And I truly believe that she and her son both lied on him to get him locked up yet again. And yet again, here I am, standing by him. Some would say that I'm stupid for sticking by him, let alone remaining his friend. However, I can't help that I love him. And I know that he can be the father that our daughter needs with guidance and love, and someone there who will truly support him. But then I have that nagging voice, that sounds like my mother, in my ear. But I also know that people CAN change. It won't happen over night, but it can happen. My dad is proof that people can change. 

So I will continue to stand by the man I love. And hope that I'm not setting myself up for more heartbreak. And I'll guard my heart in the event that he doesn't change. As they say, "Hope for the best, but expect the worst."